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Sea of Worry

by HAVE A NICE LIFE

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1.
04:40
2.
And, in a darkened room, where I always spoke too soon, I burn an endless stare at nothings that just aren’t there. If I can convince myself that any of this helps, I can sink deeper in...but call it something else. And, in that darkened room, I trusted my own eyes...despite all evidence life’s provided otherwise. You’re going to wait a long time. And in that darkened room, there is evidence for god...but he’s not like I thought, and I’m always on my guard. You know I could never wait, so just tell it to me straight. We’re going to wait a long time...but there’s power in prayer. There’s smoke in the rafters. Lord and lover, saint and swain. There’s ash in the air. We’re going to wait a long time, but I’m willing to wait. Oh, let me find the right one! Someone to love, someone to hate. We’re going to wait a long time...so, find love while you’re young. That way, when it’s over? You’ve barely begun. Oh, my god is a god of ironies. Microaggressions and very long lines. Slight tilts, and unrealities...and everything bad takes a very, very long time.
3.
05:35
Hold my feet to the fire. I’m bent by these desires, never met, nor required. And I’m not one for the irony. Knife and cleaver, lye and loam. Lay my head in the flames. “Are you glad I came?” I look myself in the face, and I don’t see anything. All along, I’ve felt an invisible hand, guiding my errant heart. I consume, and am consumed in part.
4.
I’ve been doing a lot of damned things without you, and all the damned things I know confound you. As Satan and his devils try to shake my hand, and the angels on my shoulder try to tell me that they understand...oh, well. Oh, well. I’ve been chewing the skin in my mouth without you. I’ve been insecure and cruel without you. As Satan and his devils try to shake my hand, and the angels on my shoulder try to tell me that they understand...oh, well. I don’t call your name without a good reason, lord. I’ve been chewing the skin in my mouth without you. A wild boy, turned old too soon; in elder fir, an ancient plain. I’m thinking all this blood in my mouth means something...and if I’m ready for spitting it out, I need to know what it’s all about. Oh. Nothing?
5.
6.
I can stay up late whenever I want...but other than that, it’s nothing like I thought. I guess I thought I’d know what I’m doing by now...but I know nothing. A slave in gold, that all conform to. And I know it very well. I am mortgaged to an irrational thought: that we are always on top, and nothing will ever go wrong.
7.
13:12
It’s just a past occurrence, no more than coincidence. I’ve got a past I can’t recall...I’ve got a life I don’t remember at all. Ways down, beneath the skin, beneath my body’s gray walls...is how I begin to see that nothing’s my fault. I’m doing it now. At least I know I am. At least I caught myself before I sent this out into a stupid world that doesn’t give a damn. Oh, what kind of fool do you think I am? Fate’s a funny thing. It makes a victim of the will, and brings a suit of broken rings to the funeral. Clothed in broken bands, a snake so full of tail that it can barely breathe to say it “doesn’t understand.” So, what am I to think? I’m doing it now. At least I know I am. At least I caught myself before I sent this out into a stupid world that doesn’t give a damn. Oh, what kind of fool do you think I am? Go, and ask the cattle to inform you.

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released November 8, 2019

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HAVE A NICE LIFE Middletown, Connecticut

Doom, gloom, drone, death.

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